Will i survive?

 Today i feel really tired and dejected. Helpless in fact is the right word. In the little more than a year that i have been a mother, i dont think i’ve had a more difficult day.

Twin2 is on a semi hunger strike and just refuses to eat. On top of that he is badly constipated. One is probably causing the other though he has been constipated even when he was eating well. It is getting to the point where i am wondering if there is something wrong. The most difficult part about all of this is that nothing i do seems to help. I have tried various delicacies to try and tempt him to eat but nothing seems to work. Every meal is carrying on for two to three hours and at the end of it, nothing much has entered the baby. This has been going on for about a week now. The worst day has been today where not only was he refusing to eat but every two minutes he’d get down on his haunches and strain and strain to do his job but was unsuccessful. Seeing him struggle like this is just incredibly painful. I have tried prune juice, syrup of figs and other things that were recommended but none of them are working. To see your child suffer like this and not be able to do anything is not something i would wish on anyone.

Now i understand that he is not terrible ill and this is probably something very small in the greater scheme of things but still this is the first time i’ve felt truly helpless. All the other troubles that we have had to face so far ( including 10 days of gastroentritus where i had to change 72 nappies in 4 days) seemed manageable. We followed certain rules and the trouble passed. This time i dont know what to do. This evening i had to lie him across my legs, force his mouth open and spoon some porridge into him as that was the only way anything was going down. I felt so miserable watching him fight me. In between when i let him go to give him a break, he was clinging to me crying his heart out and i could feel mine breaking.

No one told me parenting would be this difficult. I lived in a fantasy dreamworld through out my pregnancy with flashes of favourite baby scenes from movies to make me smile. If i did reflect on all the hard work that lay ahead in bringing up a child, it was always with the attitude that i would manage it the best way i could. After all it was like being thrown into a swimming pool, you had to try and swim even if you didnt know how.

Today i’m not sure if i will be able to keep afloat. I feel myself giving up and then i wonder, if i fall at the first hurdle, how am i going to survive the rest, the potty training, the sleeping by themselves, the teething, the various other milestones to cross before they go to school, the leaving them at school, the teenage years, the college years and every other event down the horizon that i havent even thought about.

Babies come into your life and it is end of life as you know it. My favourite hymn has always been ‘One day at a time’ which has the line ‘ Give me the strength to do everything that i have to do’. That has always given me inspiration. Today however i feel so drained. The thought of doing this all over again tomorrow makes me never want to get up. Am i weak ? Maybe. I just feel like i’m drowning at the moment and there is no lifebelt in sight.


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